Sunday, October 17, 2010

By Cindy R. Williams

My sister, Vicky, sent me these. We are not sure where they all came from, but they are a lot of fun. A "paraprosdokian" is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part. (Note: the two groups of text below have both similar and dissimilar lines.)

How about these?

1. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

2. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

3. I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather, not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

4. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

5. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

6. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

7. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

8. We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.

9. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

10. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

11. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

12. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

13. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

14. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

15. Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

16. Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.

17. I didn't say it was your fault; I said I was blaming you.

18. Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars but check when you say the paint is wet?

19. Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America ?

20. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

21. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

22. The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas! (This is my personal favorite and I plan to use it often!)

23. Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

24. Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.

25. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

26. Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

27. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

28. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

29. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

30. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target. .

31. Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.

32. A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Female Teacher's Contract - Utah 1923

by Cindy R. Williams

In 1922 my grandmother, Alice Rupp Sample, was a school teacher in Utah. Her career lasted all of one year because she got married the next year, and believe it or not, married women were not allowed to be teachers according to the Female Teacher's Contract which came into effect in 1923. My dear mother, Verlayne Sample Richardson, found the contract a few weeks ago and gave me a copy.

Here are the 12 rules:

1. Teacher is not to get married. This contract becomes null and void if the teacher marries.
2. Teacher is not to keep the company of men.
3. Teacher must be home between the hours of 8:00 PM and 6:00 AM unless in attendance at a school function.
4. Teacher must not loiter downtown in ice cream parlors.
5. Teacher may not leave town at any time without permission of the Chairman of the Board of Trustees.
6. Teacher is not to smoke cigarettes or drink wine, beer or whisky. This contract becomes null and void if teacher is caught smoking, or drinking wine, beer or whiskey.
7. Teacher may not ride in a carriage with any man except her brother or father.
8. Teacher is not to dress in bright colors.
9. Teacher may not dye her hair.
10. Teacher will not wear dresses more than two inches above the ankle.
11. Teacher is to wear at least two petticoats.
12. Teacher is to bring a bucket to school to clean and scrub the building every week.

My, my, my, I wonder what bloggers or "light year word writers" "space word floaters" or cyber writers" whatever they will be doing or called in 2110, a hundred years from now, will think about the rules for female teacher of our time.

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Preview of My Someday Grandchild's Name

We visited Grandma Sunday, and my ten year old was listening in as we discussed the names my daughter and her hubby have chosen for my first ever grand baby --a boy!  In a short lull in the conversation, my cute ten year old popped in with the name he wants for his own son someday. Wait for it . . .
 "Dude". "Dude, I asked wondering if I heard correctly. "Yeah, Mom, spelled D-O-O-D."  Kids, aren't they wonderful!